More than 30 years
ago on Vancouver Top 40 radio station LG73, legendary disc jockey Doc Harris had a daily
news parody called The Harris Report. It happened every morning at 7:11,
sponsored by the imaginary Rip Off Convenience Marts.
Part of the magic was the
elaborate fake commercials Doc created for Rip Off. He even had some singers
perform a jingle with the words "Rip Off Convenience Marts, we rob you
blind". Then
he would write and voice a script for some bullshit product being sold at an exorbitant
price.
Something like
Jingle: Rip Off Convenience Marts, we'll rob you blind."
"Forget
your socks this morning? Well, Rip Off Convenience Marts has the perfect
solution. Spray-on socks. Drop by one of our all too convenient locations and
we'll fix you up with any colour you need. Spray-on socks. Get yours now,
only $29.95. And, don't forget, our pythons are on sale today in the handy six foot long cans! At Rip Off Convenience Marts, we've been gouging the public for decades".
Jingle: Rip Off Convenience Marts, we'll rob you blind."
Today's radio talent
There are precious few hosts I've heard in recent years, with the creative genius of Doc Harris. His
ability to turn a current news story into relevant comedy is matched only by the
writing staff at NBC's Saturday Night Live. And, today's news is saturated with
opportunity.
This just in
In
Greater Vancouver, the gas buying public is assessed an additional tax of 17
cents per liter to fund public transit. That tax differential has rarely been reflected in the gas moguls pricing policies across the province. As the price of oil
continues it's downward trend, areas of BC have been paying a
disproportionately higher price per liter.
An example from October 15, 2014. A
liter of gas in Surrey BC was 126.9. Subtracting the 17 cent transit tax
suggests, the rest of us should be paying no more than 109.9. Oh, but
gasoline pricing is complicated! In the Okanagan Valley, the price per liter
ranges from 126.9 to 134.9. So who is being gouged? That disparity has been
evident for years.
Population concentration
Lower
Mainland commuters are burning up millions of gallons a week. The rest of us
don't come close, so it can't be supply and demand. The math is simple. Where do the most people live and where do you find the most vehicles? The rest
of the province is fueling gas company profits waning in Greater Vancouver because of the
transit tax. The reason? The oil barons have been worried about crashing through the glass ceiling of 1.50 per liter so they make up the difference by slamming everybody else. Yes, gas gouging is complicated.
I
can hear the gerbils working in Doc Harris' incredible mind
Jingle:
Rip Off Convenience Marts, we rob you blind.
"Drop
in today to fill up your tank. Our prices may be through the roof, but we don't
care! Where are you going to go? We've been draining consumers for
years to satisfy our shareholders. After all, who will stop us?
Pricing is complicated, not fair. And, there are performance bonuses for our executives to consider. At Rip Off Convenience Marts and our rivals, there is no competition, only
collusion."
Jingle:
Rip Off Convenience Marts, we rob you blind.
Doc,
where are you?
